


The Book of Weasley

by DearlyStar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: BAMF Molly Weasley, Family, Friendship, Hilarity, Humor, King James Version, Love, Satire, Tongue-in-cheek, Weasley Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 03:16:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5274509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearlyStar/pseuds/DearlyStar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here in lies the Wisdom of our Lord the Wizard God, in the good Book of Weasley. May it be read and followed; for to the loyalty and bravery of the Weasleys all should aspire, and love one another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a dear friend of mine as a "Weasleymas" gift. She is a former Witness, and felt uncomfortable celebrating Christmas, so we invented a holiday for her incorporating everyone's favorite wizarding family, the Weasleys! This tongue-in-cheek bible spoof (King James version, of course!) has since been read every year as a Weasleymas tradition. For more on our fun holiday (which we encourage others to celebrate), please visit www.facebook.com/TheBookofWeasley. Without further ado, please enjoy this humorous work of biblical proportions!
> 
> Please note: each chapter has numbered verses, to lend itself to easy citation.

1\. And the Wizard God did look down upon the Island of Britain, and did decree that there be more gingers. 

2\. And so he did reach down and touch his finger to a hill in Ottery-St. Catchpole, and from thence sprang a family tree with deepest most entangled roots, and all offshoots thereof had red hair, and the noble ability of wizards and witches all.

3\. And then, these witches and wizards all, from the offshoot of the red-haired tree, did have a decree from Wizard God.

4\. “I have seen and named thy people a good and just people, and Henceforward, I bid thee multiply in unnecessarily large numbers, for this world is in sore need of red hair and loyalty.

5\. Therefore, seek ye out places among thy kind, and though ye be but humble in means, thou shalt be greatly blessed."

6\. And the red-haired offspring of this the Lord Wizard God's will did take for their name “Weasley," after the stoat of the ground which was most humble, and also reddish of color.

7\. This was their name passed from unnecessarily large generation to unnecessarily large generation.

8\. And thus did their family tree intertwine with others of their like, those noblest of wizarding families.

9\. Generations hence there became a great divide in the tree of the magic people. Branches turned black with the rot of inequity, and blight came to the fruit of these branches.

10.Yet the Weasleys did always express their love of those with no magic, those who came to be called “muggle," and in this sad and dark divide, shone forth the light of the Weasleys, for in their courage, bravery and unnecessarily large numbers came the hope of Wizard kind.

11\. In this shun of muggles, the Wizarding race was diminishing, for not large in number were those of wizarding people, and this did cause the family trees of these noblest of kin to blacken, as family married family, and infirmity came upon their minds.

12\. But in their love for their fellow people, both of magic and of non-magic, the Weasleys were not found wanting, and their tree did grow healthy and strong, secure in their aptness to love others for themselves and not their abilities, magical or non-magical.

13\. For many generations, these wizarding families did continue, the divide growing ever larger between the Weasleys, and those that called themselves, in their misplaced pride, “Pure-blood."

14\. And thus these families, in their want of inequity, called the Weasley family “Blood-traitors," seeing in them their willingness to love their fellow man, magic or muggle, and took great offense in this. 

15\. And in this trait alone the Weasleys shon bright above the rest, and the others saw this and held them in contempt.

16\. Since these Pure-bloods were of greater number (despite the great effort of the Weasleys to overwhelm with peace and unnecessarily large generations) and power in the minds of wizards and witches than the family of Weasley, the Pure-blood tellings of muggle inferiority were cast among all the wizarding people of the great UK, and the government of the wizards was disposed to call muggles "inferior."

17\. Thence, to the great affront of the Weasleys, it was considered a goodly pastime to make sport of these muggles, and so the Pure-bloods did perpetrate wrong upon the muggles in their unchallenged power.

18\. These were dark days indeed, with brother killing brother, and suspicion ran rank among the people.

19\. Those of unsound mind held power, and those of sound morals were wont to hide their inmost thoughts, for fear of these Pure-bloods, who held sway over the office of wizards, and few dared challenge them.


	2. The Forgotten Prophecy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our Lord Wizard God reaches down and blesses the House of Weasley.

1\. The Wizard God looked down upon the people he had made, and he did see the divide among his parliament[1] and his flock, and the divide of his parliament against itself.

2\. And He was sorely grieved, for he had set them upon the earth as brothers and sisters all, and now they turned upon one another as snakes upon lions.

3\. And so the Wizard God did reach down to the Patriarch of the Weasleys, and spake thusly, saying:

4\. “This is my gift unto Thee. For one of thine lineage shall be an instrument of my goodness in these dark times.

5\. “By the Saint of Ottery-St. Catchpole And a Son of the Noble House of Weasley shall come seven helpers of the Savior, the children of the flame, and each shall play Their part in the help of the Savior That Lives.

6\. “Seven children in all shall this saint bear, and by her grace shall they be sheltered in irritating overbearance, and by this sheltering and irritating overbearance shall all of wizard kind be saved.

7\. “But the Sixth son of the Saint of Ottery-St.Catchpole and a Kind Son of the House of Weasley shall be borne hence from thy lineage, and shall be chief among them.

8\. “This one shall be overshadowed by his brothers, and whinge about the simplest tasks, and not appear terribly intelligent.

9\. “But lo, he shall shine brighter than all, as a helper in the darkest times, unto the Savior Who Lives, that This Savior shall deliver all from the dark sickness of the Destroyer.

10\. “For he shall follow in the loyalty and bravery of Gryffindor the Stout-Hearted, and though he shall forsake our Savior, he shall return to him as the savior of our Savior.

11\. He shall marry a saint of noble heart and staggering intelligence who is borne of muggles, and continue the red-haired family of Weasley forevermore."

\------------

[1] The Wizard God who reigns over all the people does see his magical people as a goodly parliament of owls, and his muggles as a goodly flock of sheep, respectively.


	3. The Lineage of Holy Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The foundation of the most noble of wizarding families.

1\. And there was much rejoicing in the heart of the Patriarch of Weasley, for he knew that there was hope amid the desperate dark of the days in which he lived.

2\. But in his wisdom, he had seen what people had made of the power of knowledge, and the knowledge of power, for the Pure-blood wizards had turned both to means of destruction of those other of Wizard God's creatures.

3\. And so the patriarch chose to willingly forget this knowledge, fearing that knowing of this prophecy would lead the Weasleys into pride, which would be their folly.

4\. Placing his wand against his temple, he did remove the memory forthwith, leaving the prophecy unknown and untold, and therefore saving his noble house from foreseen hubris created from pride. but he remained light in heart, if poor in memory, for the rest of his days.

5\. Generations passed, and unto Septimus Weasley was born a son, as in these times the Weasleys had only borne sons for generations. This son he named Arthur.

6\. This Arthur was brought up in the Wizarding tradition of old, and loved his fellow man, magic and muggle alike.

7\. Kindness was in his heart, and want of knowledge in his mind, for he found muggles fascinating indeed, and sought to understand them, for he wished to coexist with them.

8\. And so he is known as Saint Arthur the Odd, in accordance with his uncommon kind heart and noble deeds in the face of persecution and tyranny, and for his peculiar love of muggles and their trappings.

9\. St. Arthur the Odd did grow to love and marry a red-haired woman of the Wizard God's own make, Molly of the Prewetts, called the Matron Saint of Ottery-St. Catchpole, Saint Molly the Good.

10\. Molly was a fierce woman, and family was the most precious to her; she was as a she-bear to her cubs.

11\. Molly was of no stranger to loss, for she herself had lost twin brothers to the darkness, that Destroyer of men Who Must Not Be Named, and it caused her much grief. 

12\. Molly, by her divine motherhood and goodness, conceived and bore six sons and one daughter to Arthur the Odd, and the sixth of these sons was to be called the Helper of our Savior who Lives.

13\. All of these children were marked with the red hair of Weasley, and each had a different disposition thereof:

14\. Her eldest, William the Wise, had much desire to work in treasure and gold, working closely with Goblins in that noble bank of Gringotts, and did favor eccentric ways to dress.

15\. Her second, Charles the Brave, did love and favor and work with the dragons of the land, for he saw much of his own hardiness in them.

16\. Her third, Percival the Pompous, surrounded himself in the doings of the government, being full of aspiration and undue pomp and self-importance.

17\. Her Fourth and Fifth, Fred and George of the Follies, alike in appearance and in nature, were blithe and winsome, and played tricks on their siblings and others, having a love of jokes, in both good and poor taste.

18\. Her Seventh, the only girl, was Ginevra the Bold, for she was fierce as her mother in both   
love and life, and unafraid of danger.

19\. Her sixth son was Ronald Billius, called Ronald the Returned, Ronald the Sword-wielder.

20\. It were this son that did render up unto our Savior that Lives the fabled Sword of Gryffindor, and lent his courage, aid, and many complaints to the defeat of the Dark Lord, who is not named.

21\. These made of all the fruit of her own loins.

22\. But St. Molly also brought near to her heart the Savior that Lives, taking him as a son where he had no mother, and treating him as her own.

23.And St. Arthur took up our Savior as a son also, that our Savior should be brought up as much as could be with Arthur's own sons and daughter.

24\. Their children, too, accepted our Savior that Lives in the divine bonds of siblinghood, with all the love and bickering involved therein.


	4. The Family of Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we discover the true breadth of family.

1\. Thus begins our tale of love and friendship within and between the family of Weasley and Harry Potter, Our Savior That Lives.

2\. For all the love that bore the Weasley family for generations were the love that brought forth the courage to face the darkest enemy, and thus is the story told:

3\. In his eleventh year, Our Savior that Lives was alone and friendless, his own blood having rejected him unrightfully, and his heart downtrodden.

4\. But in his first venture beyond his own family, Our Savior did meet Ronald upon his journey to that oldest and greatest of Wizarding Schools, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy.

5\. Having met and laughed and talked, Ronald and Our Savior did become great friends.

6\. A third friend there was, they met at school. Hermione Granger, called Hermione The Magnificent, greatest witch of her age, Hermione the Voice of Reason, and she did meet them here.

7\. And although her desperate need to be correct at all times was a great vexation to them (despite her nearly always being right), they still became friends upon the defeat of a troll which troubled them mightily. 

8\. And so the true family of Our Savior that Lives was chosen by him, and in equal measure by them who he chose, and the love was grown one-hundredfold over their time together.

9\. With the acceptance of Hermione the Magnificent by her son, St. Molly the Good also brought Hermione into her family.

10\. Thus we all can learn from the Noble House of Weasley the joys of family:

11\. Family is not only those which thou art born unto, but also those which thou chooseth to bring dearly close to thy heart.


	5. The Gaining of Hermione the Magnificent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we see the tale of the friendship of Hermione the Magnificent.

1\. Thus did Ronald the Returned take Harry Potter, our Savior That Lives, for his closest friend, and with Hermione the Magnificent, they accomplished many things through the power of their friendship.

2\. For even when all the fates aligned against them, they did prevail against them.  
3\. It was then that the Wizard God did look down on them, for he had it in his mind to test their friendship sorely.

4\. In the darkest moment of the darkest day, under the influence of an artifact of darkest power, and crushed under his own mortal weakness of wrath and impatience, Ronald WeaslEy did abandon his friends in the bleak winter forests of England.

5\. Thus fell the dark time of remorse for Ronald, for even as he apparated away from the protected glen in the forest which the three had defended from detection, he was full of remorse for having acted a total berk.

6\. But he had apparated into a host of the enemy, whereupon he splinched himself most grievously, losing two whole fingernails, and did flee from the enemy with all haste, and could not return from whence he had come.

7\. In his ineptitude, Ronald had become Ronald the Deserter, and he was not then named aloud by either Our Savior that Lives, or by Hermione the Magnificent, despite the latter's obvious upset that Ronald had indeed done a runner.

8\. Ronald, upon one night hearing a voice say his name, and after a stay with his brother William the Wise and William's wife, decided that he should venture forth in search of his two companions that he had since left, being overcome with guilt and wishing to rejoin their noble quest (despite having no real clue where they actually were).

9\. But though he wandered far and near with the help of the holy Deluminator as his guide, Ronald the Deserter could not find his companions, for their protective enchantments did hold true, for Hermione was a better witch than anyone, ever.

10\. And so Ronald the Deserter did wander the swamps, and the forests, and the moors, and the countryside, and the outskirts of hamlets, and glens, and dales, and occasionally the odd riverside, until he was utterly exhausted, and did cast himself to the ground in a forest clearing to wait out the long night in solitude and to ponder his thick-headed idiocy in deserting his friends.

11\. Our Savior that Lives was also awake keeping watch over his companion by night, wearing about his neck for safe keeping an instrument of He Who Must Not Be Named, when suddenly, he saw a great light before his eyes, blinding him in radiance.

12\. When the light receded, a patronus in the form of a doe was shining in the moonlight, and Our Savior that Lived did follow it anon, to a small pond which had frozen over in the bitter winter night.

13\. Ronald, having seen the light of the doe as well, happened upon the pond just as Our Savior plunged into the water after the Sword of Gryffindor, and saw his great friend struggle under the water, being strangled by the evil chain around his neck.  
14\. Ronald, with no hesitance, plunged into the water and rescued Our Savior, cutting from him the dark implement, which had sensed its imminent demise and had tried to bring about the end of Our Savior by strangling him below the freezing water.

15\. And he spake to Our Savior thus, telling him how unwise it had been to leap into the water with such an evil thing around his neck, after the very sword which our Savior would have used to destroy it. Thus Our Savior recognized the words of wisdom so rarely issued by Ronald, and also the service Ronald had rendered unto him in saving his life.

16\. In this moment of Ronald's triumph, Our Savior that Lives did bid him destroy the thing that had been about his neck, and thus the evil within it.

17\. And Ronald, overcoming his own jealousy and insecurity when the evil thing attacked his mind, smote the evil locket with the Sword of Gryffindor, and therein became, from that moment forward, Ronald the Returned.

18\. In this way the two friends returned, reunited by their great love for each other, to Hermione the Magnificent, whereupon she, in a homicidal rage, nearly killed Ronald on the spot for being an imbecile, and would have, save that Our Savior had her wand, and thus she could not use her fearsome magics to end him in her apoplectic fit.

19\. And thus the three great friends were reunited and bound once more, although grudgingly at first on the part of Hermione the Magnificent, in the bonds of family and love.

20\. Thus is proven true the love that chosen family bears for one another, and this should be kept in heart and in mind, so that the love thou bearest those that thou chooseth as thy family lasts evermore.


	6. Fred and George of the Follies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of those most jolly of twins.

1\. Herein follows the joyful and Noble mischief of Fred and George of the Follies:

2\. It came to pass at Hogwarts School that a usurper of power came to be, through the corrupted government as aforementioned. A woman seized by want to create pain and strife, and to make things godly miserable, was positioned as Headmistress to the most illustrious school.

3\. This woman was like a toad in size and look, and did harbor a horrible hatred of Our Savior that Lives, which extended slowly to all of his friends, including those famous lifters of hearts, Fred and George of the Follies.

4\. Now it happened in this time that this vile woman did take away all the things that did make Hogwarts so joyful and merry for the students, and in this want for happiness, Fred and George of the follies did take their stand.

5\. With their fellow students allied to their cause, they did bend their hearts and minds to driving out this lace-clad tyrant from the walls of Hogwarts.

6\. Creating relics of utmost joyous chaos, the tenacious twins did release into the school on the day of this frilly oppressor's appointment a host of brilliant fireworks that burst and shon forth with a merry light. 

7\. These mythic creations did not dim, despite the gaudy despots attempts to destroy them, and every attempt to extinguish them did result in the multiplying of these sparkling pyrotechnic miracles tenfold.

8\. And there was much rejoicing among the Gryffindors, and the Hufflepuffs, and the Ravenclaws, for all these wished to see this ostentatious dictator disheartened.

9\. But still the garish disciplinarian expanded her power, ordering by degree that all things good within the school should be outlawed by her unbending rule, for she was an evil git.

10\. Fred and George, seeing this, did increase their pranks and jokes, creating still more relics that were useful in spreading happiness and satisfying the righteous need of the students to defy this unjust and fanatical persecution. 

11\. The day did come when exams were drawing nigh, when the summer was nearly upon them, and the time was ripe for yet another goodly piece of mischief.

12\. From within her usurped classroom the fussy potentate did reside over her useless lesson with an iron fist, When in the room the students did hear a loud commotion from several floors above, and all left their rooms to see for themselves the commotion that was taking place.

13\. There in a corridor the Twins had placed their most glorious and remembered piece of magical mischief.

14\. For where there had been stone, was now mud and water, and a swamp grew out of the masonry of the floor, stretching from one end to the other of this long corridor.

15\. Angrily, the hated oppressor did finally catch them, with the aid of her accomplices, for it took all of them indeed to catch the wondrous Weasley Twins, in the Entrance Hall, whereupon she raged at them, saying:

16\. "Dost thou think it funny to turn a school corridor into a wretched swamp?"

17\. To which they did reply:

18\. "Yea, most verily!"

19\. And this horrible, tiny woman did grin at these noble Weasleys, and did send her man to fetch whips with which to punish them.

20\. But the Weasley Twins did laugh at her, and summon their broomsticks, which she had prior took from them and chained in her chambers.

21\. And, mounting their brooms, they did say unto the school poltergeist, who until then had been a bane to all, with no discrimination, “Give her hell from us, Peeves!"

22\. Upon hearing, this Peeves did give the Twins a salute which he has never given to anyone since, and in this gesture did undertake to carry on their noble resistance efforts against the vile usurper.

23\. This deed done, Fred and George of the Follies did sail into the air and out through the doors of the great school of Hogwarts, into the setting sun, the chains still clanking nobly from their broomsticks as they escaped the cruel tyranny of the Usurper once and for all.

24\. And so, be this a lesson to all of ye who read thereof, that even in the face of the cruelest of foes, ye can use the merriment of jokes and pranks to great success and entertainment.

25\. In the end, good shall prevail.


	7. The Deeds of St. Molly the Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which is revealed the tale of maternal bad-assery attributed to our patron St. Molly the Good.

1\. Herein follows the wisdom and great deeds of St. Molly the Good of Ottery-St. Catchpole. May all who know her through these words seek to emanate her Saintly qualities.

2\. Of good stock was Molly Prewett, and upon marrying Arthur the Odd, she did become, in name and heart, a Weasley. Strong she was in spirit, and, determined that she should have a daughter, had many children, as forenamed.

3\. An example of motherliness to all, by her kind and loving spirit, all were welcome in the Weasley household, although they were poor in means.

4\. But never did this stop our goodly St. Molly from creating tremendous meals for those she took into her home and heart, nor did it stop her from extending her overbearing caution upon them, as a mother ought her children.

5\. She did rule her household with an iron wand, for in such sternness does come order.

6\. And although her shouts could be heard anon along the hillside, she did love her children in spite of their constant trouble-making.

7\. Such was her love for them, and for their friends, that she did join the Order of the Phoenix, to help ensure the safety of mankind by striving against He who must Not be Named.

8\. But she was therein conflicted, for in wishing to keep those she loved safe, St. Molly did her best to keep an annoying hold on control of her children.

9\. however, she did in time realize that this was an impossible route, and through her overbearing love, she did aid the Order of the Phoenix through her stalwart presence and tremendous cooking abilities.

10\. St. Molly's finest hour did come in the time of the fall of He who must Not be Named.

11\. For when all had gathered for the final battle at Hogwarts, she did accompany her husband, Arthur the Odd, and her other children, all of age but her daughter Ginevra the Bold, into the castle and battled alongside her comrades.

12\. Bravely and skillfully she fought, and it was only then that those around her truly saw her skill at magic in its totality, for she was as fierce in combat as she was in scrubbing dirt from her home.

13\. Upon the mother and the daughter came another witch, Bellatrix the Black, whilst in the midst of combat, and she set upon the daughter with a fervor to match her insanity.

14\. And although Ginevra the Bold did fight with great skill, her opponent was as cruel and relentless as the Dark Lord for whom she did fight and whom she loved with a twisted, dark obsession.

15\. Upon seeing her beloved only daughter locked in this deadly struggle, St. Molly the Good did intervene in righteous fury, and all who beheld her did tremble, and she spake thus:

16\. “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!"

17\. And thereupon did place herself between Bellatrix the Black and her own beloved daughter, wielding a more fearsome power than any magic, which is the love of a mother.

18\. And with the power of pure and righteous love, St. Molly the Good did smite the evil Bellatrix the Black, defeating one of the Unnamed One's greatest followers, and showing for good and all that pure and righteous love shall always conquer deranged obsession.

19\. To this act of love, let all who cherish friends and family aspire, for in the true love of family will conquer the twisted love of darkness throughout all generations, and those who aspire to this goodness shall be blessed forevermore.


End file.
